it's not a trick, it's an illusion

Feeling a little down at work. at work, with work, whatever. Trying to stay away from the negative. But I’m having trouble with that. Where my head is a bit slower than everything around me. okay…maybe not that bad but it might be best if I approach things slower till I get this out of my system. I also have Rivers Cuomo’s song “Lover in the Snow” stuck in my head. I like the song, but it’s sounding especially more melancholy than I would like. Then again…it is a pretty melancholy song. Really looking at the lyrics and, yeah, not the happiest of songs. Although it got ways to go before being in the class of “All Hail the Heartbreaker” or “Rough Draft”. Hmmm..somber moods. It’s been awhile. I think I’ll feel better after I leave work. Like, do you ever get that trapped feeling where you work? like you’re well too aware of the ceilings or walls that block you? or that you can be so high yet so low at the same time? I guess that describes it best. But the solution perplexes me. the most visible is to simply leave. That would be easiest. Say I leave, what exactly am I qualified for? I feel like I have a skillset best acclimated to the place I’m already at. It isn’t a bad skillset, but I feel like it’s limiting and a bit inclusive. So yeah..that’s what’s on my mind right now. I know…wah wah wah. No biggie. It’s just thinking of my “career” always throws me off somehow. One week and one day ago was my five year anniversary at UCLA. Strange. Very, very strange. This was meant to be a temporary job. Six months. Six months has now become five years. Quick run through of my department and I’m the 12th most senior person here out of 40-50 people. I’m feeling incredibly old. I’m also wondering if I’m squandering my “potential” by staying here. I think I have potential. There’s also the element of fear. Staying here is a sure thing. The retirement is good. out there…I don’t know. It’s risky. And I’d be starting at 0 again in terms of retirement. Anyways…I’ll just let all this marinate in my head, think it over a bit, proceed with several lively, internal debates, and come to my own conclusions yet again. I do think it’s been awhile since I’ve griped about work and “career”. Awwww..just like old times!