it's not a trick, it's an illusion

I think Aceylone said it best when he wrote “I’m healthy, I’m alive, I can’t complain.” Every time I want to write about something stupid or write to vent, I try to think how it could be much worse and I should be grateful that it isn’t. It doesn’t always work out that way. Emotions can get the best of me and I’ll vent anyways. Cryptic, less cryptic, a little angry, angrier, and then insert stupid joke to lighten the mood. “Ha ha ha…Jevon is attempting humor.” Sometimes it’s more troublesome than cathartic so why bother. My grammar will be horrible and I’ll use run on sentences so my point won’t be so clear. To get away from it all, I try to think “You reap what you sow.” Put everything on me because it’s probably a result of something I did or failed to do. Is this always the case? Probably. Probably not. But it makes assigning blame much easier and it helps me whine less. Something not complete with the glares focused exclusively on me? “Well I’m just not performing hard enough, my apologies, I’ll work on it.” See? Simple. My bad. I should make it my new motto.

Yeah…I’m bored at work. I also get depressed after lunch for some reason. Maybe I’m eating something that promotes depression. Maybe my calorie intake is low. Test on rats show that low calorie intake could induce depression. I just read that on wikipedia so please don’t think I’m smart. I need to do something to energize my days. They’ve been feeling a lot longer than usual. That’s what she said. See above paragraph. I was having lunch with Jovan the other day. Okay…maybe like two weeks ago. I guess I wasn’t masking my displeasure very well with work or whatever. Didn’t want to talk about it really so I kept changing the subject. I’m just thinking that whatever is wrong, I’ll fix it. I’ll do something about it. I will. I just need more time to think it through. I can be stupidly stubborn like that. And I’m stupid for liking the sound of that.

Maybe I’m not laughing enough at work. Maybe I’m thinking I need to act like an elder statesman which I apparently am after 5 years and a high turnover rate. Maybe I’m trying to be respected but I don’t know how it feels to be respected so I’m just acting awkward. Speaking of awkward, I feel like my social skills have deteriorated. I used to be fine talking to strangers. But now…now I’ve gone monosyllabic around them. I know this because there are a lot of new people at work and I have trouble talking to most of them. That and my lack of fun here is obvious. Okay…I’m basing this on a co-worker mentioning that I never smile. And it’s not like I was having fun a lot, but when all the “boys” were still here I felt like I laughing a lot more then. Maybe it was because I was young and full of optimism and excitement regarding work. Has disillusionment overcome me? It might have. I remember talking to Rex years ago when this thought started to bother me. He mentioned some saying about “When I was younger, I wanted a career. When I got older, I just wanted a paycheck.” I’m getting close to that point. And that saddens me.

I think I don’t like the look of my blog again. Perhaps I will change it.